I’ve been on this journey as a writer for some time now and it feels like the further I venture down the road, the more like myself I become. You may be thinking ‘more like yourself? How can you become more like yourself if you already are yourself?’
Writing this post is a bit of a challenge, because it feels like I’m writing about old feelings that I have suppressed and haven’t dealt with at all. I can’t say that I was outright bullied at school; I just wasn’t liked very much. I’m not sure why, to be honest. So over years and years of being picked on I’ve developed a hard shell where I didn’t let people in. I had my friends, but they would change as often as every year. I never felt like I belonged.
I remember one incident where a girl was talking about me in the passage and looked at me in horror as I passed her. We attended drama class together and I thought that she and I had an amicable relationship at least, but I was completely wrong. What I didn’t understand was why people would love me at work (I had a number of part time jobs after school and on weekends to help my parents out), but I wasn’t really liked at school. I always tried my best to be nice to everyone, but I regressed into someone who hated life and hated everyone.
I often find myself envious of My Love’s school career. He was deputy head boy, he played sports and had lots of friends that he still has to this day. He had the complete opposite experience of school to the one that I had.
I’ve always loved interacting with people and blogging is helping with my healing. It was easier to be rude back then, when everyone’s reaction was to be rude to me. I rediscovered myself and find that I love being nice! It feels so good to be kind to others that I want to do more kind things. It warms my soul when I see people putting themselves out there to accomplish their goals. I love learning about other people and reading their stories. I just love blogging. Blogging makes me kinder. Writing allows an outlet to my feelings – a window to my world.
Now I’m becoming my authentic self. 🙂
Hi! I’m Lindsay Nell and I’m so glad to meet you.
* Photograph by John Mark Arnold