A - Z Challenge

Loss of Identity

Lindsay

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I felt like a different person after I had given birth to my son. There was a certain level of grief and understanding that I wouldn’t be just Lindsay anymore. I was Lindsay and baby now. I was responsible for raising another human being in the best way possible. This seemed like a lot of pressure.

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Photograph found on pixabay.com

I felt like I had lost myself for a minute. I slipped deeper and deeper into post-natal depression. It wasn’t my son’s fault or mine. I just didn’t know who and what I needed to be at the time.

 

I felt overwhelmed and didn’t have a voice to speak out. Even if I had a voice, I don’t think I would have been able to convey what I needed. I didn’t know what that was.

 

Add a baby with colic and teething straight after that, a man that needed me to be the partner that I always was and a step daughter that expected so much from me and you have a recipe for disaster.

 

I was losing myself in the “Mommyness” of everything. It was so difficult to cope and everyone expected me to do well, but I felt like I didn’t love myself at all.

 

Things got better as my son got older. He was becoming more independent and I learned how to delegate tasks that I couldn’t get around to. I started to appreciate those around me and accepted the help that I was offered.

 

I didn’t have to do everything alone as I thought I would. It was okay to admit that I needed help and I had no idea what to do. It was fine to admit that I was failing. The little that I was capable was enough of a starting point to build on and become the mother I knew I could be.

 

Motherhood was a humbling experience. I realised that I needed to learn how to accept help and share the experience, because I was not alone. I had my partner and my family. I had to let go and lean on them.

 

I may have lost the Lindsay I was before, but the Lindsay I am now and the Lindsay I’ve become is so much better and I thank my kids for that.

 

Did you lose a part of yourself during or after pregnancy? Let me know what you think of this post by commenting below. I’d love to hear from you!

 

Love and Blessings,

Lindsay Sign Off

47 thoughts on “Loss of Identity”

  1. Becoming a mother is such a challenging time. Nothing can prepare you for the turmoil, both emotional and physical, that it takes on you. I think we all lose a bit of our identity, especially in the early days. I remember those days so clearly, it seemed as though my life revolved around feeding and changing nappies. And trying to get my baby to sleep. But, as you know, it gets easier.

    It’s so hard trying to be everything to everyone. I think after a while I stopped trying. I let go and accepted help and things got easier. But the first three months were hard, really hard. I look back now that I have big issues to worry about and I think that the problems were small but at the time they were all consuming. Hugs to you Lindsay as you continue your journey as a mother, a wife and, most importantly, your own person! 🙂

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    1. I appreciate your comment Miriam. I think I’ve come to realise that I can’t do everything myself or at 100% no matter how hard I try. Something has got to give and it can’t be my sanity. Thank you for joining me on this journey and a big thank you for your friendship ❤

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      1. It’s my pleasure Lindsay. And you’re right, nothing is worth losing our sanity over. We’re all, ultimately, on this journey together. Take care my friend. xo

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  2. I firmly believe it takes a village to raise a child. I think that the cultures and societies that nurture the mother after giving birth, wait on her, support her, and help each other out know what they’re doing. There’s so much going on with hormones, emotions, physically, health, just so many moving pieces. I felt like I was expected to be 100% after coming home from the hospital the first time around. I had no idea what I was doing and was so glad when my mom arrived 4 days later. The second time around my expectations of myself were more realistic and my support system came together behind the scenes as they had already experienced ppd with me 6 years earlier. I’m happy that I escaped the touch of ppd the second time as the first was ugly and long enough. Good for you fit opening you, I also touched on this on day for an slipped it in with the letter d 😉

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    1. It was just Mr and me raising two kids, my mom works and my inlaws live 12 hours away so I was muddling through everything by myself most of the time. Somehow I managed to clean the house and cook while recovering from a c-section and dealing with the kids. I have no idea how I did it and I don’t think I’ll try to do everything next time around. I needed my mother to be there, but she always has her own things going on. She came over a few times at night and I could get a few things done. I wish I could have had more support around at the time. I’d have to hire someone to live with me next time, because Mr travels a lot for work then it’s just me and the kids.

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  3. Having a baby in your life is a whole new chapter in your life. So, yes, perhaps you do lose a little of your identity…I never really thought of it that way. All of a sudden your role changes, and you are changing and feeding baby, that becomes your life! Nothing and no one can really prepare you for motherhood. But eventually, things just slip into place…and before you know it you are in the middle of your chapter, experiencing other things, like in your case the colic, then trying to be there for your family and so on…
    Thank you for sharing your lovely posts Lindsay 🙂

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      1. Absolutely, motherhood is a a beautiful things 🙂 . I apologise for my late reply, I am so behind in my blog reading and replying it is scary ! Things just caught up with me and became overpowering 😦 . Enjoy the rest of your weekend, and thank you for always having a lovely genuine post to read. xxx

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  4. This is a real eye-opener for me. I’ll never experience this but it deeply concerns me as my partner and I have talked about having kids one day soon. Thanks for sharing, and well done for getting through all of your tough times.

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      1. I won’t be, but I plan to digest any and all information pertaining to my partner’s hypothetical pregnancy. I want to be as prepared as I can be for her. Fantastic to hear it worked our for the two of you, I know it can break some couples.

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  5. I know the challenge of raising one child as a single parent, and I decided early on that I wouldn’t want to try to take care of two children all by myself — although I knew women who were doing that and working full time as well.

    I guess I never thought of becoming a mother as losing my identity. That’s what happened to me in too many relationships where I’d pour my self down a bottomless well. Becoming a mother seemed to add to my identity. I became deeper, richer textured, more expansive.

    Yes, at times it can seem like our children are sucking our life force from us, but really they’re just absorbing our love — but not like little black holes — they’re learning what love is and how to express it themselves. In the meantime, we learn we’re far stronger than we knew we were.

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    1. I love what you’ve said. My son has definitely taught me real love. I feel much better than I did back then. “We’re far stronger than we knew we were” – that’s one of the biggest lesson’s I’ve learned so far.

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  6. I actually had the opposite happen. I felt that for the first time in my life I had purpose. My pregnancy snapped me out of a lot of bad habits and gave me focus. My issues with identity came when that baby turned 18 and I didn’t have him to give me focus anymore. 😉 I’ve been working through those issues for almost 2 years now.

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    1. I love that there are so many different ways to view this topic. Many people find their purpose after baby and I rediscovered my love for early childhood development and started writing after he was born. I hope that things get better for you. I’m sure ’empty nesting’ isn’t easy. ❤

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  7. I enjoyed reading this. I could see the honesty and relate to it. It was just Mr. And I. So many nights I felt like I had nothing left to give. I loved becoming a mother- but the workload left me stripped. Still is. .. I agree with another comment left here, it takes a village. Mothers and family life should really be supported more.

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      1. It is so true! I really think it’s such a lonely time because it’s hard to find the words to describe how you feel about it. I often feel, even though E is 2 now, that language utterly fails to describe how I am feeling.

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      2. Yes! I find it difficult to articulate myself in the moment. It doesn’t help that Mr is rational. This toddler thing is a completely different ball game too. He loved bananas last week, but hates it today. Just when I think I have him figured out he does the opposite.

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  9. Hi lindsay, I had no idea about your struggles as a mother. I believed you enjoyed following my journey of over coming bonding promblems (after pnd) because it was of interest to you. I can relate to what youre saying. It is one of the main reasons I never wanted to be a mother since a young age. Seeing mums, they always looked miserable and stressed. Thanks for sharing again and if you ever need to talk then I am here. x

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