I’ve been struggling to come out of my shell and blog explicitly about my life as a stepmother. It was difficult to pluck up the courage to say what I wanted to say, because I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes. Being a stepmother is part of who I am and I can’t exclude it from my blog any longer. So here’s my first entry for Stepmom Sunday and it’s a topic that has been a bone of contention in our family for many years. I hope it can help other moms in my position.
My stepdaughter’s hair is completely different to mine, there’s no denying it. She has the most beautiful thick coils of hair, which is a combination of her father and mother’s hair. My son has a coarser type of hair than mine as well, which needs less maintenance than his sister’s simply because he is a boy.
When Mr and I started dating I felt a bit out of my depths with styling my stepdaughter’s hair. She immediately noticed the difference between my hair and hers and asked me one morning why my hair stays straight all the time. I told her that my hair is like that and that her curly hair is special and beautiful too.
There’s been a lot of flip flopping with my stepdaughter’s hair over the years; initially her mother dictated how her hair should be done. This would range from only natural hairstyles to straightening with a hair iron, which was revoked for about a year and I grew tired of all of it to be honest. I understood that it was her daughter and she had a certain image that she wanted to portray regarding her daughter’s hair, but I would never knowingly and intentionally damage my stepdaughter’s hair. That’s when we started to create our own routine, which had a few natural products and lots of heat protection product.
We started deep conditioning with avocado and egg yolks, which made her hair lustrous and strong. I also used olive and coconut oil on her hair as a daily moisturiser. When she wanted her hair straightened for school or ballet recitals we used Tresemme Keratin Smooth heat protection spray. The Tangle Tamer is our best friend and flexirods make the most wonderful heat free curls.
Hair styled with flexirods and holding creme.
My stepdaughter has undergone many hair changes in the years we’ve been a family. Her hair has been as long as half way down her back to as short as a few centimetres. Reinforcing her love for her natural hair is top of mind for her parents and still is now. My view is that she should be able to do her hair in any way that she desires and that’s how I’ve done her hair over the years. If she wanted it straight, curly, mohawked, half up half down, short, long; she’d choose and I’d do it. I try to teach her that her hair is beautiful in ALL styles, but it isn’t her hair that matters; it’s what’s inside her head that counts.
Doing her hair was a way for us to bond. We’ve had so many deep and meaningful conversations with a comb in my hand and a handful of pins and pompoms in hers. We didn’t have much time together these holidays, but we took some time to try out a variety of hairstyles and she says she misses it. I miss it too. Her hair has brought us closer in an unexpected way.
Here’s my advice for stepmothers in a similar position:
- Talk to your partner about his hair expectations early on so that there is no confusion on your part.
- Use resources like Pinterest or YouTube to research hairstyle ideas and haircare routines.
- Ask the BM for advice on how to do your stepdaughter’s hair, if you can. We aren’t close like that, but if you have a more open relationship you may be able to learn a few things.
- Accessorize – Bobby pins, clips and headbands are your best friend. They are a great way for your child to express herself too.
- Know your limits – I know that I can’t braid hair to save my life, but there are plenty of hairstyles that I love to do.
- Practice, practice, practice- Don’t be afraid to try new hairstyles. Everyone has bad hair days and don’t beat yourself up about those days. Tomorrow will be better.
- Don’t give up – You may not end up with a perfect hairstyle every time, but don’t give up too soon. Keep trying and you’ll get it right.
- Put your foot down – Don’t be afraid to say how you feel regarding your stepchild’s hair. It may be an uncomfortable conversation, but you are a member of the family too and your opinion counts.
- It’s not a hair competition – The way I style my stepdaughter’s hair and the way her mom styles her hair is completely different, but both ways make beautiful results. A happy child that’s taken care of is all that counts.
Have you experienced something similar or do you have any curly hair tips to share? Let me know by commenting below. I’d love to hear from you.
Love and Blessings,
You are doing a great job. Encouraging to her to love and appreciate herself is so important. You rock, Lindsay! 👏👏👏👏👍👍👍👍👍👍
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Thank you 🙂 Your comment means so much to me. ❤
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Good for you, Lindsay — standing up for your rights, your step-daughters independence, and family coherence. She’s a fortunate girl to be so loved by so many adults in her life.
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It is difficult for me to put my foot down sometimes. She is truly blessed. Thank you for all your support. I appreciate it 🙂
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You’re certainly welcome!
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Have a great day 🙂
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You, too, Lindsay! 🙂
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You go above and beyond. She’ll always know you love who she is and care about her wishes.
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Thank you. I hope she will. 🙂
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This is really sweet! Sounds like you both have fun together doing things like these too- What more can we ask from the little ones right? We just want them to be happy 😉
I’m curious though, do you guys annoy each other sometimes just for fun? Lol
Your pal,
Benjamin
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We totally do. I love to prank her and she tries to sneak up on me and give me a fright, but I always know where she is. Haha.
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Like a Lioness and her little cubs, just adorable!
Your pal,
Benjamin
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Haha, something like that. 🙂
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A most important issue. One of my daughters has learned this in relation to her own children.
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How did she deal with her situation?
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She took advice from sisters-in-law who had already dealt with this dual heritage issue
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She’s lucky and blessed to have sisters-in-law that can help.
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She is so cute and beautiful
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Thank you so much 🙂
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Lindsay, sorry no advice on this one but, I will say, you are a great stepmom. Those precious times you have spent doing your stepdaughters hair, mean so much to both of you, and that is great. Every child needs that quality time. Hugs x
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Thanks so much Lynne. Forming a bond with both my kids is so important, you have loads of experience in that department 🙂
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The fact that you are teaching her how to love her hair is what is most important. She’ll find her own individual style as she ages. Great job!
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Great advice 🙂
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Thanks so much. I’m loving your blog and I hope to read many more of your blog posts.
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Ohh Thank you so much. I am glad that you liked it and yes future posts will be coming. I appreciate you taking the time to comment 🙂
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I’ve got 3 natural heads of hair in my household so it will help me very much.
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Ohh okay. Wow thats alot of heads lol. Anytime you have any questions or need some advice or help feel free to contact us on our page.
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Lol, tell me about it. Thanks so much for being so kind. I’ll be sure to stop by 🙂
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Its really no problem 🙂 Stop by anytime 🙂
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Hi! Not a step mom but I am native American and my husband is black. I definitely understand about the difficulty with styling their hair. I’m great at it now but took a lot of YouTube videos and different styling products to perfect it. My girls hair is beautiful. Long thick curly locks ..I just was not use to it because my hair is curly, but thin…Now I got it covered and I’m glad u do too. Whether it’s a step parent or biological parent we all need a 101 in taking care of kids sometimes LOL
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Your doing a great jog, your step-daughter’s hair is so beautiful.
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Thank you so much. I appreciate your positive comment. ❤ Have a most wonderful day
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Being a parent is never easy, being a step-parent can mean walking a fine line. Quality time together hair styling is a great way to bond. You both look happy!
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It’s tough and rewarding at the same time. Thank you very much 🙂
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Bravo Lindsay! This has to have been a tough situation to be in. You’ve handled it well.
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Wow. I am a stepmom who has just started my own natural hair journey. You are doing so well. Her hair is beautiful.
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At the end of the day, its all about the relationship. Keep doing a great job!
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That’s so true. Thank you ❤
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